Pizza has gone bad in Japan. For too long now we pizza purists have been too lenient, and allowed this rampant use of obscene toppings such as corn, mayonaise and potatoes to go unchecked. I call on you now to get out of your sofas, to turn off your TVs, to stop your internet downloads and rise, yes rise my brothers and sisters! Look around you, look I say! It isn't too late, but the day is coming when the freedom of having cheese and tomato sauce on our pizzas will seem like a fond dream. It's time to raise the holy sword of pepperoni and smite the villians who would dare order a double corn pizza with white sauce. We must band together as one to battle these treacherous toppings and the evil reprobates who allow it. I call on you now to proudly order a large combination pizza from your nearest pizza parlour to show your dedication to the cause, and name this day 'pepperoni, green peppers, mushrooms and extra cheese day' in it's honour. Classic pizza must prevail!
Empty Subway and Train Stations... (Entered Aug. 15, 2008)
Just wanted to say 'thank you' to all you 20 million or so Tokyoites for following to the letter, the new law that was set out a few weeks ago that made it illegal to be in the subways, trains or stations while I myself am there. I'm really glad to live in such a law abiding country. As you can see from the following pictures, I've been commuting in comfort these last few weeks.
Do I feel lonely? Do I long for the happy noise of children shouting at the tops of their lungs? Do I miss the smell of sweaty old men coming back home from nights of drinking? Maybe you think I must be pining for the sound of school girls constantly chatting on their phones while checking their makeup? Get real.
Life is suddenly pretty good. Trains were once the bane of my existence here in Japan, but now anytime I deign to ride I do so in in peace and harmony. I've got those train drivers 'trained' pretty well now. When I ride, they don't bother making any stops in between. I'm like, 'take me to Ginza!' and it's done. Saves a lot of time.
The train and subway companies are probably rueing the day they ever put up that sign, but hey, the law is the law. Maybe I should think about installing a mini-kitchen and shower/toilet on some of the lines I use more often, put some of this space to work eh?
Well Tokyoites, you've been good law abiding citizens so I've got a little treat for you all. I'll be heading up to Fukushima for a few days of vacation, so you'll be able to use the trains anytime without having to worry about getting tossed in jail. Keep in mind though that things will be back to normal again on Monday. Have a nice weekend (but stay out of my mini-kitchen)!
Japangrish Part 7! (Entered Aug. 12, 2008)
Japangrish shows no signs of ever running dry! Enjoy more than 90 pictures divided into 7 different pages: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven
I dunno, these guys don't look so powerful to me...
Here in Japan, the 80s are just beginning...
Just let me warm up my time machine...
Interestingly, the Japanese above says: 'Protect the environment, please don't litter'.
(Picture courtesy of Jason Collin)
Enjoy curry in two dimensions!
If you like your curry bland and tasteless, this is the place for you...
So does it wear gloves or something?
Frankly, I'm more impressed by the fact that this shampoo has hands!
Cake Soda... (Entered Aug. 08, 2008)
Cucumber Pepsi and Vitamin C Coke are indicators of a new trend by softdrink makers to give their tooth rotting products a slightly better image. Most of us aren't fooled though, and it's nice to find a softdrink that not only doesn't try to make excuses for being unhealthy, it goes the other direction entirely. For those of you who've always wanted to have your cake and drink it too, well now you can.
Cake soda effectively fills three niche markets out there:
1) People who are striving to become diabetics.
2) People who are too lazy to chew their cake.
3) People with Japan-themed websites who have far too much time on their hands.
The world is getting lazier. In the old days people baked handmade cakes for their loved ones. Then came the days where people saved time by ordering one at the cake shop. And now? Now you can just stock a few cake sodas in the fridge and crack them open on birthdays, etc. They also provide a convenient backup plan when you forget birthdays. Just pull one out of the fridge, hand it to the forgetee and say something like 'Happy birthday! Here's a liquid cake for ya, y'know, trying to reduce your carbon footprint and all that, etc. etc.'
The beautiful cake picture on the bottle is designed to either make the person you give it to feel better, or remind them of the cheap bastard that you are.
I suppose in the future they'll expand their lineup to include chocolate cake, cheesecake, pineapple upsidedown cake, etc., but for now cake soda comes in one flavour: vanilla. Guess they want to start out by playing it safe. Does it come with icing at least?
Anyway let's take a closer look at it. Cake soda is a yellowish/milky colour that might be considered cake-like if you were in a generous mood. So does it taste like cake?
*glug glug*...hmmm, well yes, I suppose I might be tempted to say this was cake flavour if cake tasted like Sprite with a few extra tablespoons of sugar and some whipped cream mixed in. I think part of me was hoping for some soggy chunks of cake to be floating around in there too, but I guess I'll have to wait for version 2.
The verdict? Well I have to say that in general cake soda failed to live up to its name, and ended up being a disapointment. Unless you fit into one of the three categories listed above, give cake soda a miss.
Strange Japanese Snack Names... (Entered Aug. 04, 2008)
Chances are you've been in a Japanese convenience store looking for a snack, and have passed over some weird Japanese candy in favour of a kit kat or a snickers. It's not just that you're craving a little piece of home, it's that Japanese snacks scare you. 'They do?', you might be thinking. Yes they do, and I'll tell you why. Well there's no polite way to put this, so I'll just say it. Their names suck. Harsh words, but how can you argue with the fact that I have never once in my 8 years in Japan tried one of the following 5... things...?
One of the great tragedies of Japan is that their chocolate and candy looks good, but sounds repulsive. It's hard to be sympathetic though when a company decides to name their product either after an organ, or a punctuation mark. Ok fine, it's spelled with an extra 'l' but keep in mind that we're talking about Japan here, where they still haven't discovered that 'r' and 'l' are in fact two different letters.
It doesn't help that the pieces are tubed shaped, almost like cross sections of someone's small intestine. Inside the intestine/tube is a white filling that while looking quite creamy on the package, is actually kind of yellowish, firm and unexciting in real life. So are they any good? Well I'm reminded of those cheap vanilla cookies I used to avoid as a kid, you know the ones that were too sweet and had that fake vanilla taste? No idea what I'm talking about? Don't worry about it, you're better off not knowing, and that goes for Collon as well. Collon, you need a new name. How about renaming them 'Toobies'? It's catchy, silly, and simple enough so that even dumb kids can 'get it'.
Current Name: Collon
New Name: Toobies
Pros: The fact that nobody is forcing you to eat them
Cons: Fake taste, look like intestines
Taste Rating: 3/10
Not sure what they were thinking when they called this 'Horn' as they look much more like harmonicas to me. Can I see myself regularly buying a chocolate bar called 'Harmonica'? Perhaps not, but 'Horn' just makes me uncomfortable. Everytime I look at the package I stare at it for a while, slowly repeating the word 'horn' over and over to myself.... Then I snap out of it and try to think about harmonicas for a while.
The box is full of little horns, and each one is individually wrapped. It's almost as if the product was specifically created to piss off environmental groups. One horn consists of a wafer like coating over some chocolate paste, with a little dipped chocolate on the edges to give it some flair. Actually they're not bad. If you like those wafer cookies, but wish they had more chocolate filling, then Horn is for you.
Current Name: Horn
New Name: Harmonica
Pros: Pretty tasty, decent amount of chocolate
Cons: Makes you think too much, unenvironmental packaging
Taste Rating: 7/10
I can't help myself, everytime I look at the box I forget about the 'a' and end up thinking it says 'puke'. However a quick check of the Japanese lets me know that the correct pronunciation is actually 'poo-ka' (full glottal stop before the 'k'), which is not an improvement. Hello!? Poo? Ka? Caca? Come on guys! These things need a new name, and fast. Off the top of my head I'm thinking along the lines of 'Snap!' or 'Crack', wait, on second thought scratch that last one.
So what is pucca? At first glance it looks like a little fish, or maybe an octopus or something, that is half filled with a dollop of chocolate. There is even a little hole in each one which I'm assuming is where the chocolate gets squirted in. Talk about low class technology. These guys need to take some lessons from Caramilk or something.
Tastewise they're nothing to write home about. The outer bit is too crackery for me, and it almost tastes like they burnt this batch or something. After sitting on my desk for a while the chocolate inside turned into sludge, but I suppose that can hardly be helped in Tokyo's sickening heat.
Current Name: Pucca
New Name: Snap!
Pros: No doubt pigeons would love these things
Cons: Old technology, shells taste like crackers, no heat tolerance
Taste Rating: 4/10
When I think of the word 'Galbo', I get this disturbing image of some strange, blue-furred, semi-retarted mascot, romping around with his tongue hanging out, shouting lame stuff like 'Duuhhh, Hiya kids! I'm Galbo the talking dogbear!', you know, stuff that even Disney would hesitate to use. This product needs to be saved somehow, but all the good names like 'Lady Fingers' or 'After Eights' have already been taken. Hmm, how about 'Lady Eights'? Hmm, maybe not. Ok how about this? 'Delight'.
In fact Galbo was pretty delightful, by far the best of the bunch. They were almost as good as Tim Tams, just smaller. A lot smaller actually. They also started melting within seconds of picking them up. In fact in the above picture, I just managed to take the shot before it slipped out of my fingers. Anything else? Well once again we explore the theme of wrapping everything separately. It seems that environmental issues aren't high on Galbo the talking dogbear's list.
Current Name: Galbo
New Name: Delight
Pros: Tastes great! High quality chocolate
Cons: Small, makes you think of a stupid, blue-furred mascots, melts fast
Taste Rating: 8/10
Finally we have a product that doesn't just need a new name, it needs a whole new image. Ok, I'll admit the novelty of having cookies shaped like hamburgers might be fun, but only once. If once isn't enough then you should probably sit back and take a good long look at where you are and what you're doing with your life. As soon as people become satisfied that burgers and cookies are synonymous, then civilization as we know it will end. I don't know if I'm up to renaming this one, it's pretty much beyond help.
Each box comes with two trays of mini burger cookies. Thankfully there is no cheese coloured junk on the top of the patty like the box suggests, but they tried to add a bit more realism in by sprinkling sesame seed flavoured bits on the top. Totally unnecessary. Could be good, but the sesame-like taste and burger shape keep confusing me. Is this a chocolate cookie or a burger? Help!
Current Name: Every Burger
New Name: Beyond Help
Pros: Fun for about a second
Cons: Brain can't decide what you're eating, sesame taste
Taste Rating: 5/10
Well it looks like Galbo is the winner, at least in terms of taste. Tell you what Galbo, if you take my advice and change your name, as well as put that blue-furred freak in the pound, I'll give you free advertising for life. Think about it. You're pretty good, but with my help, you could be the best. You have one week to decide.
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Mike's Blender Info:
Currently: Tokyo, Japan
Born: Ottawa, Canada
Email: mike[at]beddall[dot]net
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Stuff...
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Japangrish continues! Part 7 now up! |
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More artwork! Four new paintings up! |
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Page 44 and 45 of My Life are now up! |
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Discgolf with UK Mike and Alex! |
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Sometimes I get angry. 'Temper Tantrum' |
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Mr. Donut vs. Krispy Kreme! |
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The Ab Project... |
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The Return of the King! |
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Ninja! |
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Kit Kat! |
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Kyushu and Yakushima! |
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Genki Drinks! |
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